I would replace "by modern times" with " in modern times", or better still, with "in our times".chelovekdimka пишет: ↑10 июл 2021, 11:10 Who pays for rhymes,
By modern times?
The verse i wrote
Won't bring me gold.
I wrote a verse
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Who pays for rhymes,acapnotic пишет: ↑10 июл 2021, 11:23IN modern tymes, not 'by'.chelovekdimka пишет: ↑10 июл 2021, 11:10 I don't ask how good or bad the verse. Is there of grammar mistakes in my verse?
I don't ask how good or bad the verse IS.
ARE there grammar mistakes in my verse?
In modern times?
The verse I wrote,
Won't bring me gold.
Is it right?
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Will be if you remove the commas after 'rhymes' and 'wrote'. You don't need them.chelovekdimka пишет: ↑10 июл 2021, 11:28 Who pays for rhymes,
In modern times?
The verse I wrote,
Won't bring me gold.
Is it right?
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Я хочу извинится перед всеми участниками этой темы. Я ворвался в этот раздел форума со своим ужасным английским, да ещё и со стихами. Со всеми поругался и все переругались. Я, правда, не хотел. Я написал стих на английском. Это не гениальный стих, не поэма и не пьеса. Всего четыре строки, но для меня это самое большое достижение в жизни. Прошу вас понять меня.
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Final version:
Who pays for rhymes
In modern times?
The verse I wrote
Won't bring me gold.
Who pays for rhymes
In modern times?
The verse I wrote
Won't bring me gold.
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This is how Google translates it, quite acceptably, IMO, for an ESL learner to be understood by anyone reading English:chelovekdimka пишет: ↑10 июл 2021, 11:46 Я хочу извинится перед всеми участниками этой темы. Я ворвался в этот раздел форума со своим ужасным английским, да ещё и со стихами. Со всеми поругался и все переругались. Я, правда, не хотел. Я написал стих на английском. Это не гениальный стих, не поэма и не пьеса. Всего четыре строки, но для меня это самое большое достижение в жизни. Прошу вас понять меня.
I want to apologize to all participants in this topic. I burst into this section of the forum with my terrible English, and even with poetry. I quarreled with everyone and everyone quarreled. I really didn't want to. I wrote a verse in English. This is not a genius verse, not a poem or a play. Only four lines, but for me this is the greatest achievement in my life. I ask you to understand me.
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Please forgive me for this, i hope it's not a crime:
I like to write,
And like to read.
Don't touch my pride,
On rhymes I feed.
I like to write,
And like to read.
Don't touch my pride,
On rhymes I feed.
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chelovekdimka,chelovekdimka пишет: ↑10 июл 2021, 22:20 I like to write,
And like to read.
Don't touch my pride,
On rhymes I feed.
Just take the following verse as my positive encouragement for you to go on with versification you like so much:
Hi! My name is Dimka.
Rhyming words is all I think of.
There is hardly any word
I can't find a good rhyme for.
By the way, there's a collocation "hurt/wound one's pride", more idiomatic than that with "touch".
If you haven't yet heard of collocation dictionaries, here are the links:
http://ozdic.com/collocation-dictionary/pride
https://www.freecollocation.com/search?word=pride
Последний раз редактировалось zymbronia 15 июл 2021, 21:29, всего редактировалось 1 раз.
Причина: правка по просьбе автора
Причина: правка по просьбе автора
- acapnotic
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Yes. However,
Maybe a semicolon or a period would break the close relation between the clauses? What do you think?According to Garner's Modern English Usage:
[M]ost usage authorities accept comma splices when (1) the clauses are short and closely related, (2) there is no danger of a miscue, and (3) the context is informal [...] But even when all three criteria are met, some readers are likely to object.[6]
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acapnotic,
BTW, in Microsoft Word you can make it by pressing CTRL + ALT + the minus sign.
(Sorry for a delayed response--I've been out to buy a new fan. The one I'd had in my room could not survive the oppressive heat we've been having for so many days in a row: -(
There's always more than one way to skin a cat--an em dash would work well too if it weren't at the end of so short a line, the first one, of a couplet. (I mean "aesticallity" of the text)
BTW, in Microsoft Word you can make it by pressing CTRL + ALT + the minus sign.
(Sorry for a delayed response--I've been out to buy a new fan. The one I'd had in my room could not survive the oppressive heat we've been having for so many days in a row: -(
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Can't stop:
Came back from Hell, I very mad.
The thing you did, was really bad.
It will be fast, you'll even't cry,
Revolver shots and you will die.
Came back from Hell, I very mad.
The thing you did, was really bad.
It will be fast, you'll even't cry,
Revolver shots and you will die.
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Revised version:
Came back from Hell, completely mad.
The thing you did, was really bad.
It will be fast, you'll even't cry,
Revolver shots and you will die.
Yeah, completely mad.
Came back from Hell, completely mad.
The thing you did, was really bad.
It will be fast, you'll even't cry,
Revolver shots and you will die.
Yeah, completely mad.
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Liked it very much. But it's in need of a minor edit. Here's my suggestion:chelovekdimka пишет: ↑11 июл 2021, 15:42 Came back from Hell, I very mad.
The thing you did, was really bad.
It will be fast, you'll even't cry,
Revolver shots and you will die.
I'm back from hell and I am mad.
The thing you did was really bad.
I'll kill you fast--you'll let no cry:
The gun will fire, and you'll die.
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chelovekdimka,
So "even't" is absolutely unacceptable.
On the whole, a good piece of poetry. You seem to be lousy with ideas for your verses)))
Even is an adverb or an adjective. As a verb, it means equally matched or balanced.
So "even't" is absolutely unacceptable.
It's the hitman who shoots and his gun that fires. Some may disagree with me on this point, though.
On the whole, a good piece of poetry. You seem to be lousy with ideas for your verses)))
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Reminded me of a couplet from my childhood:
I need a corpse and I'm choosing you.
You'll know who Fantômas is. So, adieu!
СпойлерПоказать
Мне нужен труп. Я выбрал Вас.
До скорой встречи. Фантомас.
До скорой встречи. Фантомас.
You'll know who Fantômas is. So, adieu!
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"touched my pride"
Or was it this 'pride' below that one was not supposed to 'touch', the 'rhymes' being a kind of "lions' prey"?=))))
Don't touch my pride = Hands off my kin! =))pride
a group of lions forming a social unit.
"the males in the pride are very tolerant towards all the cubs"
That part sounds way too explicit compared to Dimka's original:
which carries the explication of the mystery over to the next line.
However, this looks completely ungrammatical:
... you won't ev'n cry would fit the rhythm just as well. Victor's alternative is better, of course. I would probably choose "... you'll give no cry", though.
... and you will die seems to fit the rhythm better, doesn't it..
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VictorB, that will be very rapid shooting. :)
You've written a verse, and I am mad
Because your verse is very bad.
You've made me cry and have to die.
We'll meet again in Hell, goodbye!
You've written a verse, and I am mad
Because your verse is very bad.
You've made me cry and have to die.
We'll meet again in Hell, goodbye!
Последний раз редактировалось acapnotic 11 июл 2021, 18:35, всего редактировалось 1 раз.