A Story You Want to Read: The Game )

Discuss any questions in English. Practise your writing skills.

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acapnotic
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#101

Сообщение acapnotic »

VictorB пишет: 08 авг 2021, 17:21 From my seat, I can't see any items pieces of furniture other than those we are sitting in.
What about that man's mirrored glasses? Wouldn't they have reflected what was behind you, since he was looking straight at you? Not only the furniture but also those who clanked their instruments. OK, that was a dream, and maybe your subconscious just didn't figure this out. :)
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#102

Сообщение VictorB »

acapnotic пишет: 08 авг 2021, 18:38 What about that man's mirrored glasses?
Your point is well taken.
Truth be told, when I was putting those sunglasses on the man's nose, I hadn't yet known where my story would go.
That is my way of writing: I start with a stand-alone sentence and then think of the following one. Adding details, I'm groping for the plot. Initially, the mirrored sunglasses were supposed to mean something in one of the possible twists in the story, but once I had the punch line come into my mind, I started steerуing the whole plot to its ending. I think that having missed the twist where the mirrored sunglasses would work, I also lost their irrelevancу for the story.
acapnotic пишет: 08 авг 2021, 18:38 OK, that was a dream, and maybe your subconscious just didn't figure this out. :)
This might be so for the boy in a dentist's armchair, but for the author, it appeared one of those blunders that make a pig's ear of his writings:(
You know what? As an editor of my literary crap, you're the one I could only dream of:-)
Thanks again.
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#103

Сообщение acapnotic »

VictorB пишет: 08 авг 2021, 19:50 That is my way of writing: I start with a stand-alone sentence and then think of the following one. Adding details, I'm groping for the plot.
Sounds familiar. In some distant past I used to write stories in Russian in that way, something in the manner of Daniil Kharms. Starting them, I didn't know where they would end. That only added more fun to the process and made it easier to start.
VictorB пишет: 08 авг 2021, 19:50 This might be so for the boy in a dentist's armchair, but for the author, it appeared one of those blunders that make a pig's ear of his writings:(
Strictly speaking, it's not necessarily so. By 'you' I actually meant the storyteller, and it's the boy. The 'I' in the story is him. He simply recounts his dream, and dreams often look illogical and unrealistic. Of course, this only means you have a plausible excuse, if you didn't mean it to be that way. :)
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#104

Сообщение VictorB »

acapnotic пишет: 09 авг 2021, 05:37 By 'you' I actually meant the storyteller, and it's the boy. The 'I' in the story is him.
But it's me who should've asked him about those damned sunglasses before writing down what he was telling me.
So, this inconsistency, too, should be blamed solely on me )))
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#105

Сообщение acapnotic »

VictorB пишет: 09 авг 2021, 14:21 But it's me who should've asked him about those damned sunglasses before writing down what he was telling me.
Why should you have asked him? If it had been something that had really happened to him, then yes, but a dream is a dream, you just take it at face value, unless you are a psychoanalyst.
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#106

Сообщение VictorB »

An old thread, long forgotten, revived. )
Here is a short story I wrote several years ago that was lost in the depths of my PC memory. By chance, I stumbled upon it saved on an older hard disk, and I decided to give it a thorough edit. If anyone finds it worth further editing, their suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Additionally, since this piece of writing remains untitled, I would welcome suggestions for a title as well.

***
It was well past midnight, but the apartment was still buzzing with activity. One part of it was creaking, thumping, and groaning. The other part - my section - was tossing and turning, grumbling, and sighing resignedly. No matter what John, my flat mate, and Martha, our landlady, were up to in her bedroom at that hour, I hoped they would quiet down soon. Finally, they did, thank goodness, and I quickly drifted into a deep sleep.

After oversleeping by a whole hour and struggling to access the bathroom for twice as long as usual, I couldn't fathom why John, being a doctor himself, couldn't relieve his severe constipation that had been plaguing him for months.

Nevertheless, the breakfast Martha prepared was delightful, as always. John and I ate in silence while Martha bustled around, serving us delicious omelets, fried Bavarian sausages, toasts with butter, and coffee with milk.

Our post-meal tradition of playing backgammon, accompanied by cigarillos and small doses of French liqueur, was well-established by now, with Martha silently tidying up in the background.

Before meeting John, my only backgammon rival had been my elder and the smartest in the family brother, Mycroft, but John proved to be even better than him at the game.

On that particular morning, he was at the top of his game, joyfully hitting my pieces one after another.
As I realized I was losing, I closed the board in frustration and inquired in a friendly tone, "Could you tell me, my dear friend, what those dreadful noises were that disturbed my sleep last night?"

"Oh, oops!" John seemed surprised. "Was it really that... audible?"

"Audible, for heaven's sake!" My indignation flushed my face. "It's always noticeable when you're snoring behind the wall, which I don't mind usually if it helps me fall asleep. But this time it was so loud and unpleasant—I swear—I couldn't sleep until you and Martha stopped..." I paused, giving him a challenging look, then casually asked, "Hey, buddy, what were you doing in Martha's room last night?"

He blushed slightly and evaded the question with a mischievous glint in his eye, "Do you have any guesses? Come on."

"Sure, I do." Trying to keep my cool, I sarcastically suggested, "You were rearranging the furniture."

He shook his head, smiling wryly.

"So, what were you really doing? Playing blind man's buff? Or perhaps Martha was giving you a leg massage that made you groan, causing the bed to squeak and screech so loudly?"

Once more, he remained silent.

"Cat got your tongue? Speak up!" I insisted.

His stubborn silence was starting to irritate me. John stayed quiet. Looking into his bright blue eyes, I saw he felt no remorse for breaching my trust and violating our agreement involving Martha. "You know who you are after this?"

I grew increasingly frustrated, and as my anger escalated, he sobered up and sighed, almost defeated, "You tell me, my dear friend."

"If you insist," I took a deep breath and shouted in a fit of rage, "you are an arrogant, self-absorbed, egotistical jerk!"
That was the mildest insult I could muster before storming out.

A few moments later, standing at the doorway, I cleared my throat, took a deep breath, and vented my frustration by yelling as loud as I could, "Dear Mrs. Hudson! Next time you and Dr. Watson decide to rearrange furniture or engage in similar activities at night, please inform me beforehand so that I could arrange my overnight stay at the nearest hotel!"

With that, I slammed the door and headed towards Scotland Yard. I needed a stiff drink and a heart-to-heart with my truly dependable, steadfast friend. I'd never had even a slightest doubt about Greg Lestrade's loyalty to me. Had he been in Watson's place, he'd never have betrayed our friendship like that.
Yet, in matters of the heart, one can never be too certain.
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#107

Сообщение Kind_Punk »

VictorB пишет: 19 мар 2024, 14:15 suggestions for a title as well.
A study in the dark )
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#108

Сообщение Yety »

VictorB пишет: 19 мар 2024, 14:15a title
The Hudson Triangle
=))
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#109

Сообщение VictorB »

VictorB пишет: 19 мар 2024, 14:15 If anyone finds it worth further editing
A good friend of mine, who has a far better command of English than I do, pointed out a few flaws to me via PMB, which is highly appreciated:

"toasts with butter" - toast (uncountable - cf. she buttered a slice of toast) and butter

"my elder and the smartest in the family brother" - my elder brother Mycroft, the smartest one in the family

"As I realized I was losing" - When I....

Could you tell me, my dear friend, what those dreadful noises were that disturbed my sleep last night? - ...what were those noises that...? (This one kind of puzzled me - yet (see here)

"which I don't mind usually" - which I don't usually mind

"inform me beforehand" - in advance
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