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JamesTheBond
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#1

Сообщение JamesTheBond »

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
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#2

Сообщение JamesTheBond »

A man at the airline counter tells the rep, ‘I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.’
The rep says, ‘I’m sorry, Sir, we can’t do that.’
The man replied, 'Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.'

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. ‘I’d like a soda,’ said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. ‘Yes, I would,’ he replied. ‘Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!’

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked a passenger, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' the passenger asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
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#3

Сообщение Brow »

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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#4

Сообщение Brow »

Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.
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#5

Сообщение Marygold »

What has four legs and flies? (A dinner table)
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#6

Сообщение Brow »

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.
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#7

Сообщение Brow »

A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two weeks later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
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#8

Сообщение Yety »

A German, a French and an English talk about their languages.

The German takes up a knife and says “German is the most descriptive language. We call this “Messer”. You can hear its sharpness, its cutting, its brutality.”

The French looks at the knife and says “You might be right, but French is the most beautiful language. We call it “couteau”. Isn’t that a beautiful word?”

The English says “You both may be right, but English is the most precise language. We call it “knife”, because that’s what it is.”
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#9

Сообщение JamesTheBond »

The pessimist sees only darkness in the tunnel.
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees that the light is the train.
The train driver sees three idiots on the tracks.
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#10

Сообщение Brow »

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
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#11

Сообщение Kind_Punk »

Brow пишет: 29 мар 2018, 17:03
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
Lol are there more sexist jokes? )
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#12

Сообщение Brow »

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I got drunk.
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#13

Сообщение well well well »

Kind_Punk пишет: 29 мар 2018, 23:17 Lol are there more sexist jokes? )
A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”
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#14

Сообщение JamesTheBond »

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
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#15

Сообщение JamesTheBond »

Blonde 1: Don't tell anyone but bees scare me.
Blonde 2: Dont worry, the whole alphabet scares me.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

Blonde walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions...
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
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#16

Сообщение Brow »

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and
attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
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#17

Сообщение JamesTheBond »

A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist. Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin, saying 'The engines have all failed!
Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!' With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute.
To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin!
The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying 'I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you'. The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane.
The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, 'My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun.'
'Don't worry, Grandpa' said the young boy, 'that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack.'

Two old married men chatting in a bar. First man says "Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?". The second man replied "Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery.

Two friends were out hunting one day when one collapsed suddenly. His friend checks for signs breathing but there seems to be none. He calls the emergency services on his mobile phone. "My friend has died" he sobbed. "What should I do?" The operator tells him in a calm relaxed voice "First thing is to make sure that he is actually dead". After a few seconds silence, a loud shot can be heard. The man returns to his phone and says " Okay what next?".

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
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#18

Сообщение Yety »

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood
and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise,
I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds
he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work.
I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs
and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss
has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said,
'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?'
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#19

Сообщение Yety »

The Telegraph_100 funny jokes by 100 comedians
Had to look up this one.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turndown_service
In the hospitality industry, turndown service refers to the practice of staff entering a guest's room and "turning down" the bed linen of the bed in the room, preparing the bed for use.[1] In multiple countries, an item of confectionery such as a chocolate[2] or a mint[3] is sometimes left on top of a pillow in the bed that has been turned down.

Some hotels have more elaborate turndown services, such as bed-time stories for children and cocktails served to couples.[4]
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#20

Сообщение well well well »

Scientists found out that rainbow trout in the Atlantic Ocean might experience difficulties communicating, due to regional accents
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#21

Сообщение JamesTheBond »

Я планирую вообще возобновить эту ветку, так как, с моей точки зрения, нет ничего лучше для изучения языка, чем анекдоты - даже совершенно глупые. Это и слова, и грамматика, и что угодно - причем в короткой форме, так что легко запоминать.

- Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
- They can’t stand fast food.

A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”

- What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?
- “Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”

What a difference a good shower makes! I was irritable, exhausted and I felt like hell. Now I’m irritable, exhausted, I feel like hell and I smell of grapefruit!

“What's the name of your new dog?” “I don’t know. He won’t tell.”
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#22

Сообщение JamesTheBond »

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?" Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream". Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream — how about with no milk?"

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!"

A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
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#23

Сообщение Роман Молти »

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#24

Сообщение Роман Молти »



Там по адресу в твиттере много забавных картинок из комикса
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#25

Сообщение Olya »

Just have found this ad :)

Turning vegan would be a big missed steak!
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