Можете посмотреть эссе?

[МарияИсакова]

Буду очень благодарна за обратную связь.
Вторая попытка. Если кто-то посмотрит, буду благодарна за замечания.
The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers of footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead.
Вторая попытка. Если кто-то посмотрит, буду благодарна за замечания.
The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers of footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead.
Today most news reports tend to inform us about lives and relationships of celebrities. They spend too much time reporting the lives of actors, singers, pop-stars, politicians and sporting heroes. However, I believe we have a right to be informed about what is happening to the ordinary people and the media should not restrict the news about their lives.
People who argue that the media should report so much news about celebrities have one main reason for this opinion. They suggest that people really enjoy reading and listening about people that they have already know something about, but they want to know more. From these news audiences learn history in an entertaining way. For instance, we learn about the difficult lives of biggest music legends, like Ray Charles and Johnny Cash, about the lives of politicians, like Josh Bush, or sporting heroes.
On the other hand, there are strong reason for arguing that the media should not meddle in the privacy of the stars. Firstly, there are many opportunities for celebrities to inform fans about their lives, for example, biopics. People can watch films about their favorite stars and get a lot of information about them instead of meddling in their privacy. Also, I believe the media should provide us with reports about ordinary people from our local places. What is happening to them, what are they interested in. I think it is more interesting to lots of people.
In short, I think the media should spend much more time informing us about the lives of ordinary people. If we receive information of this type, we can be proud of real people. We will try to be better because we will have a real example in front of us.

[Kind_Punk]

a right to be informed about what is happening to the ordinary people

What for? Do you really care what John Smith from Johnnytown does? Even if it's so, most people don't, and the mass-media do what the majority wants )

media should not meddle in the privacy of the stars

If you call yourself a star, you have to learn the rules )

more time informing us about the lives of ordinary people.

But there is nothing in the ordinary lives of ordinary people. They wake up, go to work, back to their houses, eat, take a sh bath, sleep, repeat ) But if you do something extraordinary, be sure you'll be an Internet hero ))


TL;DR: strange ideas, bad argumentation )

[Chaika]

singers, or football players.
reporting on the lives
about the lives
politicians, and sports heroes.
happening to ordinary
that they already know
this news
of the great music legends like
politicians like
there are strong reasons
First, there
many ways celebrities an tell their fans about
invading their privacy.
("lots of" is colloquial, use "many" instead)

Although the verb "inform" is not incorrect, I would prefer other verbs, e.g., report, describe, tell, give details, comment on.

[tourist]

МарияИсакова,
a few thoughts..

- media should not restrict the news about their lives -> should focus more on..

- People who argue that the media should report so much news about celebrities have one main reason for this opinion. ->
Those in favour of celebrity reporting would argue that ..

- people that they have already know something about -> people they are familiar with

- From these news audiences learn history in an entertaining way. ... needs rephrasing

- sporting heroes (used twice) -> sporting personalities ... better yet: sporting "personalities" )

- there are strong reason(?) for arguing -> there is a merit behind (their opinion)

- there are many opportunities for celebrities to inform fans about their lives ->
there are various ways / there's a variety of ways for a celebrity to interact with her/his/their fan base /followers

- ordinary people from our local places -> ordinary local people

[МарияИсакова]

Ну а в целом уже лучше?

[Kind_Punk]

Ну а в целом уже лучше?

Вопрос в том, для кого вы писали )

Советская приемная комиссия - это одно.

Британское консульство - другое )

Английский форум - третье.

В целом - вас поймут и, возможно, даже не примут за жительницу России )

[МарияИсакова]

Kind_Punk, ну писала я как часть ielts academic.
И мне нужно примерно понимать отправную точку - сколько за такое эссе должны дать. Пока сейчас это мой уровень.

[МарияИсакова]

Третья попытка. Буду благодарна за обратную связь. С таким можно идти на IELTS academic?
Most people are not interested in how their food has been produced. They only care about how much it costs.
Nowadays, most people tend to be interested in how much food products cost. However, I believe there are lots of people and families, who are interested in how food are produced, packaged and sold.
People, who do not care about the ways that food are produced, have one main reason for this. In particular, they shop to suit their lifestyle. They are likely to buy frozen op pre-cooked food, because they worry only about how much time they have and about their finances. If they have a little money, they will be interested in special offers, such as two for the price of one. They do not care about quality and tastes.
On the other hand, there are lots of people who have plenty of time to prepare food themselves and who have enough money to live on. They may choose what they purchase more carefully and consider a range of aspects include quality and tastes. These people are concerned about how animals were treated and whether the food has been organically produced.
Another factor affecting our choice is where we live. For instance, in my country people should not care about the cost. We have the opportunity to buy lots of fresh fruit, vegetables and fish at reasonable prices. So, cost is not an issue. Very few consumers talk about it.
In conclusion, it seems that cost is only a factor that people take into consideration when they purchase food. Although lots of people look at price before quality, others have little interests in these things and spend money in order to satisfy their needs.

[Juliemiracle]

С таким можно идти на IELTS academic?

you didn't provide a complete task, only a statement, so the essay is hard to assess actually, but I guess if you aim at sth like Band score 5 (for essays; I don't know anything about your writing task 1 competence or other exam parts), you can take IELTS Academic tomorrow.

[МарияИсакова]

Juliemiracle, вообще запуталась тогда( Вроде стараюсь делать все по образцу, а все равно не то( Все части, их состав
Мне надо минимум 6(

[Juliemiracle]

МарияИсакова,
maybe you could get a 6 if you got really lucky, but without seeing the complete task (can you provide it here?), I'm leaning toward 5.
Read band descriptors here extremely carefully with a good dictionary: https://www.ielts.org/-/media/pdfs/writ ... ashx?la=en
For instance:
* there are no conclusionS (at the end of each paragraph you have to draw a micro-conclusion too + transition to the next para);
* the development isn't always clear (you sort of go back and forth in your argumentation at some points of your essay);
* the ideas aren't sufficiently developed (e.g. everything's too general - people, people - in IELTS they usually ask you to provide specific examples from your own knowledge or experience)
* repetitions, lack of paraphrasing (see intro, e.g);
* errors in spelling (e.g. op instead of or);
* problems with register (e.g. "a lot of/lots of" - too informal for an essay);
* grammar/lexico-grammar/sentence structure mistakes (e.g. food are produced, food products, they shop to suit their lifestyle);
* punctuation (e.g. punctuation with because - no commas before it, punctuation in relative clauses - who etc).

[Juliemiracle]

МарияИсакова,
I do think you really need a teacher specialising in IELTS Academic, especially writing, to reach your goals.

[Easy-Breezy English]

Nowadays, most people tend to be interested in how much food products cost.

This is a hilarious opening sentence! (Sorry.) I'd say people have always been interested in food prices, not just nowadays.

in my country people should not care about the cost.

Those damn people. I keep telling them and telling them to STOP caring about food prices, but they just won't listen!

Мария, а что это за волшебная страна такая, где люди о ценах не думают?

[МарияИсакова]

Juliemiracle, в моих мечтах)
Взят шаблон, просто чтобы что-то написать логичное более-менее.

[Natalie]

МарияИсакова,
Мне тоже кажется, что не хватает достаточного развития идей (отсюда и повторение слов). Тут надо проанализировать задание хорошо: что значит "how food was produced"? Organic, sustainable и подобные ключевые слова должны появиться, как мне кажется.
Сама тема в плане идей и лексики нуждается в проработке, тогда и эссе было бы более выигрышным.

[Easy-Breezy English]

в моих мечтах)

МарияИсакова, пишите тогда гордо: "А вот у нас, в СССР, вообще все бесплатно". Пусть буржуи обзавидуются.

Если серьёзно, то у вас как раз проблема с логическими связками. Ну и общее впечатление какое-то странное. Те, кто победнее, пусть довольствуются frozen dinners и не жужжат. А нормальные люди с деньгами будут переживать, как относились с свинкам и коровкам.

[Juliemiracle]

в моих мечтах)
Взят шаблон, просто чтобы что-то написать логичное более-менее.

What do you mean? I don't quite understand you.

[МарияИсакова]

Juliemiracle, я беру учебник, читаю там их эссе, устные ответы, упражнения. Беру шаблоны, паттерны и пытаюсь писать сама.

[Juliemiracle]

МарияИсакова,
I see.
Once again, can you provide the whole task for the essay you've written?
I strongly suspect that you don't actually understand what constitutes the whole task, and this might be a serious problem.

[МарияИсакова]

Juliemiracle, Most people are not interested in how their food has been produced. They only care about how much it costs.
How true is this statement? What influences people when they buy food?

[Juliemiracle]

МарияИсакова,
I'm sorry, but I've never met tasks with such wording in IELTS. Where did you get it from? Do you use official past papers or official guides?

[МарияИсакова]

Juliemiracle, complete ielts 5-6.5, юнит 2. причём они там во всех юнитах такого плана. В третьем тоже такого плана.

[Easy-Breezy English]

МарияИсакова, попробуйте ваши мысли как-то выстроить. Сейчас все вперемешку, поэтому трудно читать.

Сначала напишете, согласны вы с утверждением или нет. (I believe that this statement is (not) true.) Дальше раскрываете, почему вы так думаете. Заодно отвечаете на вопрос:
What influences people when they buy food?

Например:

Some say that most people are not interested in how their food has been produced, and they only care about how much it costs. I do not consider this statement to be true.
When we shop for food, our choices are influenced by a few key factors.

- price
- quality
- convenience
- wholesomeness
- sustainable agriculture/environmental awareness/treatment of animals/ whatever

В конце что-нибудь типа:
As I have demonstrated, several elements shape our grocery shopping behavior. Price is only one of them. Бла-бла-бла.

[Juliemiracle]

МарияИсакова,
I'm looking at p. 24 here: http://anyflip.com/dcpz/wibz/basic and see that you copied the topic and some questions, but you didn't copy the actual task below the topic. This is as important as the essay topic. Now look at the questions and the task below the topic; read your essay: does it answer both questions fully and clearly? Does it give reasons for your answer and include some relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience?

[МарияИсакова]

Juliemiracle, да, я, наверное, не так поняла задание. Я просто хо Ноа по их эссе, по образцу, написать что-то своё.
Не на вопросы ответить, а как бы по шаблону.
Переделаю.