CAE writing

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olgusha-79
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#1

Сообщение olgusha-79 »

Having seen a similar theme on CPE I've decided to start a new one related to CAE. You can't imagine how shy I am to write here and to present my essays to be assessed or criticised by people who I look up to and whom I've been inspired to put my plans into actions and begin my preparation for CAE. I'm well aware of the fact that my writing is still poor and needs improving that's why I've decided to fight my inner fears and start doing something!
Cambridge English Advanced 1/ Test 1
Factors contributing to the increase in international travel:
methods of transport
global business
media

It goes without saying that today tourism is one of the most rapidly increasing branches of economy. The Internet is full of various photographs depicting people whose thirst for travelling and adventure has brought them to the most unexpected spots on the planet. What has provoked such an enormous growth in this direction?
It seems to be obvious that the recent developments in transport technologies have allowed people to get from one side of the planet to another within several hours which was a complete miracle just less than a century ago. Nowadays not only do people travel fast but they are also provided with the comfort anyone could dream about some decades ago. Comfortably-off people can enjoy incredibly relaxing and glamorous voyages on luxurious liners. However, many people consider modern means of transportation not being safe enough. Although fear of flying is believed to be irrational and statistics backs up this claim a lot of people still feel scared of boarding the planes. Moreover, the cost of such traveling can be really pricey.
It is impossible to deny that the media contributed to the popularity of tourism greatly. A wide range of travel shows and even channels have appeared on TV recently. They encourage people to try something new, to experience new lifestyles which are totally different from their own. Some of them sing the praises of isolated places on the edge of the world other ones promise to a tourist seeking out the dangers missing from their everyday life to have a whale of time. In spite of this, most people still prefer to stay at home since they either can not afford such a holiday or they are content merely to enjoy the picturesque views on their TV screens.
Taking everything into consideration, I believe that the most valuable contribution to the international tourism was made by the development of transport. There is no doubt that it has made many people believe that our world is too beautiful to miss an opportunity to see it and our life is too short to spend it on a sofa in front of a TV set.
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Xander
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#2

Сообщение Xander »

olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18 Having seen a similar theme on CPE I've decided to start a new one related to CAE.
Way to go!
You can't imagine how shy I am to write here and to present my essays to be assessed or criticised by people
Lay your fears and doubts aside! People here are your friends ), cohesion and coherance are ok.
Good use of linking devices, discourse/attitude markers.
Grammar is fine (inversion, a bunch of dependent clauses, present perfect, passive, gerund, participle clauses, modifiers, etc).

You might wanna pay more attention to punctuation & usage.
Tatianka48
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#3

Сообщение Tatianka48 »

Agree with Xander
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Irina
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#4

Сообщение Irina »

Good evening!
Much as I like some of the vocabulary items you've used (to name but a few: depicting, thirst for, incredibly relaxing, luxurious), I must say that I am dubious about some of the collocations and grammatical constructions.
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18It goes without saying
- sounds good for Speaking, but I would advise against it in essays.
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18branches of economy
- does it sound natural? I'd opt for areas/sections of the economy.
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18provoked such an enormous growth
- again, is it natural? Don't accelerate/boost/fuel/stimulate sound better?
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18to get from
- get is too informal
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18which was a complete miracle just less than a century ago.
- you need a coma here.
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18a complete miracle
- again, collocation. 'miracle' looks good with great/real/true.
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18Nowadays not only do people travel fast but they are also
- you need a coma here.
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18consider modern means of transportation not being safe enough
- you need infinitive here.
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18boarding the planes
- why 'the planes' ?
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18Although fear of flying is believed to be irrational and statistics backs up this claim
- you need a coma here.

olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18contributed to the popularity of tourism greatly
- contributed greately (don't separate)
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18Some of them sing the praises of isolated places on the edge of the world other ones promise
- you need a coma.
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18Some of them sing the praises of isolated places on the edge of the world other ones promise to a tourist seeking out the dangers missing from their everyday life to have a whale of time.
This sentence is too bulky, hard to get through.
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18...was made by the development of transport.
- doesn't sound natural
olgusha-79 пишет: 11 мар 2018, 09:18There is no doubt that it has made many people believe that our world is too beautiful to miss an opportunity to see it and our life is too short to spend it on a sofa in front of a TV set.
- another bulky and not clear sentence.

Your Writing has great potential, but you need to work on your collocations and refresh some grammatical rules. =)
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