Эссе IELTS

Подготовка и впечатления от сдачи экзамена. Помощь в разборе письменных работ. выбор и обсуждение необходимых материалов. Cambridge English (CPE, CAE, FCE ect.), IELTS, TOEFL и другие.

Модератор: mikka

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Mermaid
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#1

Сообщение Mermaid »

Извините, что размещаю второй раз - первый раз поместила в разделе "Письмо", а не "Международные экзамены".
Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

Men and women typically have different strength and weaknesses. Some people think that there're professions only for men or only for women, while others disagree saying that everybody can have whichever work they want. In my opinion, person can have an occupation which they dream about no matter what people say.
People will be much more efficient at work if they have a profession that makes them happy. For instance, if there is a man that has a passion for babysitting or nursing which is typically frowned upon, if performed by a man, he will definitely be great at that career but will most likely be awful at others. Also if people have work they hate, it is most likely to cause depression.
A more persuasive argument is diversity which means a range of different things. It's much better to have representatives of both ganders working together because they don’t have the same opinions and thoughts about certain problems which means that, while disputing, they can find a better solution, that a group of same sex people will not even be able to think about.
The opponents of equal work opportunities might say that women have already reached their highest job ranks. In reality they’ve hit a glass ceiling- an invisible barrier to advancement in a profession. So if a woman worked really hard and reached the position that is seen to be the highest for females, she can’t get a higher one, while man in the same position are still able to get another promotion. For example, worldwide only Sweden, Afghanistan and a few other countries have equal representation of men and women in politics, while others have mostly male politicians.
In Canada men earn one dollar for their work whereas women with the same work earn approximately 75 cents, which is absurd considering that women need more money for self-care, like hairstyle, makeup and personal hygiene products.
In conclusion, people should have career they want because happiness at work is essential and the world should provide equal rights to everyone.

Эссе уже переработано с учётом первой проверки на спеллинг, грамотность конструкций, были даны рекомендации по замене слов на синонимичные.
В даном бросаются в глаза мисспеллинг gander, man instead of gender, men.
Хотелось бы ещё конструктивной критики. Спасибо заранее всем откликнувшимся!
Natalie
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#2

Сообщение Natalie »

Mermaid,
Было бы гораздо удобнее, если бы были видны абзацы. Может, конечно, это у меня так браузер показывает, но, к сожалению, абзацы не отделены.

Я, если честно, не совсем понимаю ваш второй аргумент про diversity. Там в предложении вы имеете в виду, что diversity означает многое? Если это topic sentence, а оно так читается, то вам нужно объяснять дальше, каким образом можно понимать diversity.

В целом, рекомендация обращать внимание на topic sentence-supporting sentences и развитие параграфов. И пунктуация. В предложении с diversity, возможно, нужна запятая (но тут от смысла вкладываемого вами зависит). In reality я бы выделила запятой. В последнем предложении тоде нужна запятая. Возможно, где-то ещё.

Я обычно рекомендую более формального стиля придерживаться в эссе, т.е. избегать сокращений и начала предожений с союзов типа so. Which is absurd тоже, кажется, немного слишком эмоционально для эссе.
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#3

Сообщение tourist »

Mermaid,
Disclaimer: I don't know much about the test, but
были даны рекомендации по замене слов на синонимичные.
if what you posted here is your corrected version,you may want to recheck your essay..

I assume that logic would be an important factor in the test.

Let's see:

he will definitely be great at that career but will most likely be awful at others.
not necessarily, he can be good at more than one job.

It's much better to have representatives of both ganders working together
not really, take military on the battle field for example.

only Sweden, Afghanistan and a few other countries have equal representation of men and women in politics, while others have mostly male politicians.
Really? Afghanistan .. of all countries ?

In Canada men earn one dollar for their work whereas women with the same work earn approximately 75
this is factually incorrect, otherwise all companies would be hiring exclusively women
watch this if you have a chance )

which is absurd considering that women need more money for self-care, like hairstyle, makeup and personal hygiene products.
what is absurd is a notion, that a woman must be paid more because she spends more?
We are paid what we are worth or at least how high we can sell ourselves for to an employer.
btw a man might need more money for booze,cigarettes and,of course, to spend on women )

if people have work they hate, it is most likely to cause depression.
wrong, the wast majority of both men and women hate their jobs, but only some suffer from depression.
Some "depressed" people don't even have a job and some people are depressed even when they like their jobs.

Sorry if my comment wasn't particularly helpful, but I just hate this leftist feminists' propaganda ..
I don't accuse you personally, I realize you just wrote an essay )

PS
I'd recommend replacing most likely --> to more likely everywhere
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Mermaid
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#4

Сообщение Mermaid »

Спасибо большое!
Natalie, tourist,
Я не совсем правильно выразилась. Эссе не моё, а студентки. Грубые ошибки я поправила (а их было немало), но всё равно вылазят шероховатости, а глаз уже замылился. Я согласна, что аргумент о женщинах, которым нужны деньги на косметику, корявый, и настаивала на том, чтобы его изъять. Но у студентки своё видение. Интересно, что американец с хорошим образованием, которому я показала этот аргумент, ничего крамольного в нём не увидел, но это к слову, к тому, что нэйтив - не панацея.
Natalie, спасибо Вам за проверку. Только насчёт запятой перед because не соглашусь, пожалуй.
tourist, Спасибо, практически со всем согласна. Особенно насчёт Афганистана - такая же была реакция.
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#5

Сообщение Natalie »

Mermaid, Да, я сначала начала отвечать, а потом посмотрела на ник и подумала, что вряд ли вы это свое эссе размещаете, ведь вы вроде в разделе для преподавателей писали. Потому начало поста у меня было как будто ученику, а окончание как будто рекомендация преподавателю. )
Я не имела в виду запятую перед because. Я думала о запятой перед and. Но, насколько я понимаю, она не то, чтобы обязательна.
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Mermaid
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#6

Сообщение Mermaid »

Natalie,
Понятно. Да, перед and теоретически возможна запятая, но я бы не ставила в этом контексте. Спасибо ещё раз за замечания. А как на ваш взгляд, в таком виде на какой балл можно рассчитывать?
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#7

Сообщение Yety »

a few more issues with regard to grammar and punctuation:

different strengthS and weaknesses (a typo)

In my opinion, A person

nursing , which is typically frowned upon , if performed by a man,

Also ,

problems , which means that

a better solution , that a group of same sex people

In reality ,

work , whereas women
In Canada, for example, if men earn, say, one dollar for their doing some work, whereas women with the same work earn/make approximately 75 cents for (doing) the same amount of work.

should have/choose/follow A career they want
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#8

Сообщение Mermaid »

Yety, спасибо огромное!
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#9

Сообщение Mermaid »

Уважаемые коллеги! Прошу покритиковать ещё одно эссе. Как и первое, оно уже прошло первую проверку, однако некоторые ошибки просочились и сюда.
Задание:
Convenience foods will become increasingly prevalent and eventually replace traditional foods and traditional methods of food preparation.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Вот текст:
Pre-made food become more popular than it used to be, because it is easy and quickly to cook. Some people are afraid that soon it will replace traditional cooking, while others believe that home-made food will not lose its popularity. I agree with the latter, even though the former have their reasons for that fear.
Convenience food is popular because of its cooking ease and speed. On the other side, it is not neither good-tasted nor healthy. That is the reason why pre-made food, that includes fast and frozen food and instant noodles, will never become nearly as popular as home-made food.
If to look at the food that is made traditionally with long cooking process, the drawbacks are obvious. Not everybody has skills to cook well, neither can they cook as fast as convenience food can be made. Nevertheless, people prefer eating food they enjoy and they also would rather have a healthy meal.
In conclusion, even though convenience food gets more popular nowadays, traditionally cooked food will still be ranked as the best and most popular kind of food.
Мои первые замечания по данному варианту эссе:
On the other side -- hand
That is the reason why pre-made food, that includes fast and frozen food and instant noodles, will never... -- that поменять на which.
Также хотелось бы услышать мнение, на какую оценку может быть оценено данное эссе. Понятно, что прогнозы (мне) делать сложно, т.к. это уже второй вариант, доработанный, но тем не менее. Мои соображения: слов недостаточно (навскидку). Нет примеров как таковых. Теперь уже к грамматике особых претензий нет, к coherence and cohesion тоже, к лексике нет особых претензий. А вот task achievement? Буду благодарна за любые замечания по данному поводу.
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Yety
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#10

Сообщение Yety »

Включив режим PersnicketyYety, всё-таки по грамматике...)
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Pre-made food IS becomeING more popular than it used to be , because it is easy and quickly to cook. Some people are afraid that (soon) it will soon replace traditional cooking, while others believe that home-made food will not/never lose its popularity. I agree with the latter people?, even though the former ones? have their reasons for that fear.
Convenience food is popular because of its cooking ease and speed. On the other side hand, it is not neither good-tasted tasty nor healthy//neither tastes good nor is healthy. That is the reason why pre-made foods, that which include s fast food and frozen food and instant noodles [пересекающиеся множества?], will never become nearly as popular as home-made food.
If to you look at the food that is made traditionally/in a traditional way with A long cooking process, the drawbacks [of the food?))] are obvious. Not everybody has THE skills to cook well/great cooking skills, neither can they cook as fast as convenience food can be made prepared. Nevertheless, people prefer eating THE food they enjoy , and they also would rather have a healthy meal.
In conclusion, even though convenience food IS getsTING more and more popular nowadays/every day, traditionally cooked food will still be ranked as the best and most popular kind of food.
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#11

Сообщение tourist »

a couple of more thoughts:

- some people are afraid are concerned /of the opinion/think...
- reasons for that fear -> reasons to be concerned
fear is too strong of a word in given context, I'm afraid ))

-Convenience food is popular because of its cooking ease and speed..
this is just an unnecessary repeat of the already corrected
because it is easy and quick to cook

- food will still be ranked ...regarded seems to fit better.

- I agree with the latter people?, even though the former ones? have their reasons ...
Not sure about this one.
Latter people, former ones...hm.. it just doesn't sound right,no particular reason
latter opinion/concept perhaps ?
Because of this I would not use former vs latter in this sentence at all and rephrase it
like this for example:
Even though some people like ready-made food I would prefer traditionally prepared
( yes,prepared is a better term, as was mentioned above) food anytime.
When it comes to food I'm a traditionalist rather than a living constitutionalist trendsetter.)
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Mermaid
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#12

Сообщение Mermaid »

Yety,
Thanks a million! I admit my reluctance to dig further after checking it for the first time.
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#13

Сообщение Mermaid »

tourist,
Thank you very much, good points.
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#14

Сообщение Mermaid »

Друзья, спасибо большое! Как вы думаете, на какую всё же оценку может претендовать данное эссе. И как насчёт task achievement? Буду благодарна за любые замечания и оценки.
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#15

Сообщение Mermaid »

Опять прошу внимания уважаемой аудитории к очередному эссе на тему
The importance of biodiversity is being more widely recognised as increasing numbers of species come under threat. What can be done to maintain biodiversity?

More species of animals and plants come under threat with time pass. Realizing that, people ought to find a way to save variety of the endangered species. This essay will provide some solutions to avoid this problem.
One way to maintain biodiversity is to raise social awareness of species that need to be saved. For example pandas, which die because of deforestation, or elephants, whose tusks are sold at the black market. Firstly, people could arrange talks, lectures and lessons in school curriculum and get parents educate their children about importance of animal and plant variety. It will be a great help to show some TV programs about the problem. However, it will take a while until children and adults can truly understand the value of biodiversity and change their attitudes towards the nature.
Another solution can be a creation of nature reserves. However, a great amount of money is needed and poachers might still kill animals.
It is possible to stop killing animals and cutting down trees by establishing and enforcing the laws for protection species under threat. Unfortunately, this is not enough to completely stop poachers because of corruption, however it will help to raise fear of killing endangered species and reduce numbers of hunters.
To sum up, only combined efforts of people educating children, implementing laws and creating nature reserves can ensure protection of endangered species of plants and animals and save them for future generations.
СпойлерПоказать
More species of animals and plants come under threat with the passing of time (with time pass). Realizing that, people ought to find a way to save variety of the existing species (of the endangered species). This essay will provide some solutions to –avoid- this problem.
One way to maintain biodiversity is to raise social awareness of the problem of endangered species(of species that need to be saved). For example pandas, which die because of deforestation, or elephants, whose tusks are sold at the black market. Firstly, people could arrange talks, lectures and lessons in school curriculum and get parents educate their children about the importance of animals and plants variety. It will be a great help to show some TV programs about the problem. However, it will take a while until children and adults can truly understand the value of biodiversity and change their attitudes towards the nature.
Another solution can be the (a) creation of nature reserves. However, a great amount of money is needed and poachers might still kill animals.
It is possible to stop killing animals and cutting down trees by establishing and enforcing the laws for protection species under threat. Unfortunately, this is not enough to completely stop poachers because of corruption, however it will help to raise fear of killing endangered species and reduce the number (numbers) of hunters.
To sum up, only combined efforts of people educating children, implementing laws and creating nature reserves can ensure protection of endangered species of plants and animals and save them for future generations.
Под катом исправленный мной текст.
Прошу оценить эссе, если среди нас есть те, кто готовит к IELTS. Спасибо заранее всем откликнувшимся!
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#16

Сообщение tourist »

the most obvious imperfections) :

- This essay suggests some solutions to the problem.

- For example pandas, which die because of deforestation, or elephants, whose tusks are sold at the black market.
where is a verb ?

- talks, lectures could be arranged ..

- get parents to educate

-TV programs about the problem highlighting the issue

- the creation of nature reserves

- However, a great amount of money is needed and poachers might still kill animals. ->
However it is expensive and doesn't prevent poaching.

establishing and enforcing the laws for protection species under threat -> introducing and enforcing the laws designed to protect ..

-however it will help to raise fear of killing endangered species and reduce the number (numbers) of hunters. ->however it may discourage poachers from causing damage..

-combined efforts of people educating children, implementing laws and creating nature -> coordinated efforts to educate children, implement laws ..
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#17

Сообщение Juliemiracle »

Mermaid пишет: 11 сен 2018, 19:32 эссе на тему
The importance of biodiversity is being more widely recognised as increasing numbers of species come under threat. What can be done to maintain biodiversity?
Does the task come from an authorized source (official past papers, guides)? It sounds a bit weird to me.
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#18

Сообщение Yety »

A few more suggestions:
More species of animals and plants come under threat as time passes./More and more ...are coming under threat with time pass.
... people ought to find a way to save the variety of the endangered species. ...
... to raise social awareness (of) about the species that need to be saved. ...
... talks, lectures and lessons could be included in school curriculum ...
... educate their children about the importance of animal and plant variety/-ties.
... It will/would be a/of great help to ...
However, it will take a while until/before children and adults can truly understand/realize the value of biodiversity and change their attitudes towards the nature//it will take a while for both children and adults to realize...
... Unfortunately, this is not/that would not be enough to ...
+ некоторые русские зпт.
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#19

Сообщение Mermaid »

Juliemiracle,
It's from Collins Writing for IELTS.
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#20

Сообщение Mermaid »

tourist,
Thank you, good suggestions.
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#21

Сообщение Mermaid »

Yety,
Thank you very much indeed. Have you ever tried to assess an essay according to official criteria?
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#22

Сообщение Yety »

Mermaid пишет: 12 сен 2018, 16:08 Have you ever tried to assess an essay according to official criteria?
Nope, sorry to say.
Getting familiar with the IELTS criteria is still one of the things in store for yety. But the 'store' is not too distant since mydy-yety kyd is to sit the exam by the end of the year.
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#23

Сообщение Mermaid »

Oh, that's just great - my student's gonna take it approximately at the same time.
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#24

Сообщение Juliemiracle »

Mermaid пишет: 12 сен 2018, 16:02 It's from Collins Writing for IELTS.
Anastasia, an unquestionable expert on IELTS in my universe, recommends using only authorised materials for writing tasks, and I don't suppose the book in question falls under this category. Have you tried reading her blog on Zen? She regularly discusses IELTS prep there.
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#25

Сообщение Natalie »

Mermaid,
Сразу скажу, я нисколько не эксперт в подготовке в письму в IELTS, обычно только к спикингу готовлю; к письму готовила только несколько раз , так что не факт, что я правильно рассуждаю.
Но вот что я думаю по последнему применительно к task achievement:
- addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others - про заповедники раскрыто только, что это сложно. Чем поможет не ясно.
- presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive - repetitive в плане языка они немного, но это не относится к этому критерию напрямую
- presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear - хорошо бы избегать sweeping generalisations, побольше модальности. Не уверена насчет перехода к corruption, мне кажется это unclear как раз.
Основной вопрос к task achievement - This essay will provide some solutions to –avoid- this problem. Avoid наверное не самое подходящее слово, тут как будто задание не вполне понято.
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